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[16 Aug 2006|12:38am] |
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I keep saying I'm going to leave to sleep on my pad on the floor with my cats, and here I am, because I feel as if I'm leaving some things un-said. Well, here's my pitch. Laughter is not going to last, and neither is my nicotine fix, but this coming walk home is going to last. Because time is ticking away, and when people walk away, someday they will never some back , and there will be a day when I'm never going to see any of you again.And I wonder how many of us have realized that the air smells different than it smelt when we were first born in the 80's where everything was punk rock and flamboyant hair, and our mothers had perms. And yet, day by day the reality is the catch of the day, what I'm going to eat, what I'm going to consume and who's going to consume me. What I really want is to piece together puzzles that are simpler to understand then I will allow them to be. Why do I let everything sneak up on me? It's all in my vision.
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| Hello from Lincoln |
[15 Aug 2006|11:34pm] |
It has sure been a long time. I will try.
This summer was so exhausting it was the fastest summer of my life, and I haven't had time to reload for autumn.
The point is that so many people are moving away, and I don't think I can let them go. So where's the party?
By the way, does any one know how to get in touch with David Bush? It's relevant.
I need to unwind.
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| Updates |
[02 Jun 2006|12:06pm] |
I am having a graduation party tommorow from 5-7:30. I invite you all to come. If you know where my mom lives, good. If not, call me, and I'll tell you how to get there. 525-6395
I have moved into my new pad. You all should come check it out. 18th and O Britches.
I feel as if I'm never going to see anyone ever again. Prove me wrong.
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[15 May 2006|08:35am] |
Monday mornings. I'm already hearing about alumni of arts school, and for some reason those kids are always cooler sounding then the ones here. This weekend was slightly wretched, slightly glorious, because we had a huge fire at a canceled campout. Where I smoked 2 cigarettes and drank a fourty and fell asleep in Katie's sleeping bag. Saturday I watched A Clockwork Orange on and off as I drifted in and out of sleep, due to nighttime flu medicine. Calling no one, no one calling. Meds are funny, because there is a pulsating of sleepiness and vision dilution and then correction in a second flat. Fading is fun, much better then coughing.
My sister is home and I have been enjoying the company of her, might sign for our apartment today, if she feels secure about money. She is so much more secure, yet she's the one that's scared. I'm the one, most likely out of a job, whose composed and confident about all of this money and moving out b.s. Maybe it's because I am so sure that everything is going to be fine, but then again, I've never been independent. Today's the 15th. On the 27th I start lifeguarding, so everyone should come swimming (for free)
Wait, I get paid today. Measly checks are not really what I look forward to, nor being told that I am not even good enough for ITC. I'm too good for ITC, take that you scam-loving phone-talking hate-breeding scum bags.
And as far as the Tug Boat goes, I love you all, and I know you all love yourselves, but art is art, and that's about it. It's a show people. I'm not a show, you're not a show, so let's try not to get to get our panties in a bunch.
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[08 Mar 2006|11:43am] |
A few things have caught my attention. For one, Ms. Rauch has a myspace. Yesterday I made myself 14 because I didn't want her to catch me. Have you seen the eye? I think that the internet is very prone to becoming a servalience system for those trying to control us. Whats even worse is that I realized that people in the future, perhaps look to the internet to get an example of what kind of people we were. Myspace, Ebay, the shit we sell, the shit we trade, the games we play to amuse ourselves. I hate to mention it, but bestiality.
Uh, I say we need to start getting rid of the internet while we still can.
It's flat out embarrassing
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[17 Feb 2006|10:37am] |
I really think it's time to stop with the cigarettes.
Not being able to breathe Sucks Big Time. Are these things colds, or are they the overflow of tar leaving my lungs, with no place to go but up the nose, in the head, out the mouth. Slowly, painfully, wahh.
P A R T WHY? I don't wanna.
I like Mr. Steinke's sweater.
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[03 Feb 2006|09:15am] |
I have consumed so many strawberry confections in my lifetime. Sodes, yogurt, ice cream, cereal, health bars, popsicles...and still. Still, Nothing compares to a fresh strawberry with nothing on it.
Swimming is wrapping up. A good thing, as I have been missing my afternoons more then I think I love swimming in a dirty pool and keeping my priorities straight. I will miss it all, however.
Turns out I should have signed up for Washington DC. It'll be fun, and even more fun then sitting at home, making no wrong moves, as my mother will be home and desperate for attention for a whole week. It will be our last spring break together, and she is awful sad. I wonder if, and to what degree I will miss my mother after I am gone, after the sneeking is done and after I finally forget all of those memories that connot be forgetten while we are both around.
Time for economics, class of the coin.
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[24 Jan 2006|08:29am] |
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Poor Mr. Abrahams. They want to wipe his hard drive.
He doesn't want them to.
Savor is not going to make it.
Some people don't understand because they were built on the right wall. I came from the wrong place and I'm not in the right time. There are problems with the way people talk, the way a person smells. And where is it that some people are more important then others? When did art become fashion, and when did fashion replace art? I'm sure I'll be in the back room, my head buried in the sand, laying the eggs that only rich people can afford to fry. And I'm never really going to float away. Because if I can't see you, chances are you are going to see me first.
Ps.
Saw ll was way cool. Nothing's better then blood, gore, personal innate questions we all ask, mixed with a bit more blood, grime, gore, and other gut wrenching mind games. Not to mention, ahh yes, there was blood.
I went to sleep feeling queasy and uneasy and I passed the fuck out.
If Savor offered you a cookie and you had not eaten all day and it was lunch time and everyone else was eating, would you take it? Because I said not, thinking firstly of her mother with her gummies and her butter and her out of order fridge, in which if you did a ratio of grams of fat vrs. grams of anything else, it would be around 80:20. and her plump waddling fingers. And her ugly bob hair cut. And that it was those cookies. Ahh, Savors is yours, and I really don't know what else to say. Dumb people make mediocre people collapse into a world of mockery, poking fun at others, wasting ones time. Fuck you Savor, you waste my time.
Mama this morning was more then I could handle. I missed my ride to practice so she took me and, after leaving a CD (including Blackalicious, Nappy Roots, Rufio, and Salt N Pepa. Excuse me) My mother (who is an uptight Christian with absolutely no foundation, only empty teachings, ideals, and fundamentalism, which is often drilled into ones head after attending a rural lutheran Church for all of ones life, and also being a dumb fucking bitch at the same time) Proceeded to make me listen to it with her as she "danced" to it, saying how much she loved it, and every swear word was blurted out over and over agian by her. She rolled down my window saying "Oh it's hot in here", blasting it all into the 6:00 AM world.
"Are you insane?"
Yes yes yes. My mother is INSANE
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[20 Jan 2006|07:57am] |
It's funny, two days into Environmental Studies, I have started taking less showers (in which the water is only on to rinse and soak) and trying everywhere to conserve (energies, paper, water, food, clothes).
I feel like I'm being taken over by some odd out of this world presence of 'don't waste like everyone before you did' because I am convinced, as my teacher (who very well might be a manipulative, egotistical woman who gives us tea and hot cocoa, in hopes that we will sincerely believe her every word and go environmentaly insane as she has) has said, that I am going to see a war over water in my life time. It's even more terrifing when I think about how long it's going to take for people to stop wasting all that we said we wanted, that we needed. There are too many lights on in this building. All of the computers are on. And people just don't let that yellow mellow. Just kidding, I enjoy flushing my piss right away. But at least put a goddamn brick in the toilet if you've got two gallons of water in it.
I've always been a tree hugging type of gal, but I was never crazy about it. I've never used the same cup of water to wash my dishes, scrub my body, and then finnally drink it. Fucking thanks for that. And is being crazy really what it takes?
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[19 Jan 2006|10:32am] |
I love how I spend my lunch time
sitting in the middle of and Des 2.0 and Savor
(who ironically is also named Des)
By the way
Does it bother anyone else that
we have to call her Savor.
It's not like she saving
any of us.
Seeing how it is the last semester of my life, I am beginning to worry about the future. While picking up a perscription for Sigular today (which costs 20.91, with coverage), I started reading about Medicaid? Wait. There are coverage gaps, you have to pay from $13-$99 a month, and still you have co pays and huge deductables and all of the people in the brochures were old. Does that mean you have to be old for Medicaid? Because I don't know if I'll be able to afford anything else, and I have these weird flukes in my health that leave me face down on the ground. I'm pretty scared about all of this money stuff, and I'm pretty afraid of dying because I can't afford asprin.
Savior just downloaded that "you're beautiful, you're beautiful song" by some Paula Cole like singer and said "Thank you" After she was told she was beautiful. Do things get any more pathetic and hard to witness?
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[05 Jan 2006|06:40pm] |
Day after day, it's getting harder to walk, my back has begun to hurt, and I have had a pounding headache since practice started today.
Plus School is begining to get harder, and it's all my fault. Getting F's is acceptable during quarter report cards, because I know my mom has nothing on me. But what do I have on myself? I have never been one to let go, compleatly, and I'm not about to fail a class now. Would it really be to much to ask of myself to push myself away from this computer, and why are people only calling me now that I really have something that I really actually need to do.
But I am still having a very good day. Thanks Mike for the soup, but you're right. Today, I think because of you, I realized that there is a lot, and maybe even too much peanut butter in there for me.
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[03 Jan 2006|12:32am] |
This is late and out of date,
but
Happy birthday
World.
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[31 Dec 2005|03:02am] |
I have but only 2.9 things to say to all of you.
peter pan, you had better promise me that I'm gonna fly.
And fly I did, flied until the tips of my fingers turned orange from the blood and the sun.
Never again would hear the slam of car doors or the stalling of engines.
or walking in drive ways.
I'm gonna take a night off and I'm gonna
spend it on the son while it's warming the other side of the earth.
I'll be there where the other side of the world gets cancers and drug overdoses
when the sun rises and they'll deal with the hangover.
I'll let you ride shotgun on the moon.
Everything is spinning and I'm pressing that release
that you've pointed out to me too many times to count
and I'm falling down with a beginning a middle and an end be
cause everything becomes a story to you and I'm gonna lay it
flatter then flat
I'm putting my cards down, but one at a time and not as fast as you would have liked.
and you just can't take that I'm not as fast as I used to be, but
I don't need a lecture mother, I just need to let go sometimes So
Stop the Bullshit. because
there's nothing that you know about me that's actually true that I don't already know about myself.
Like that I'm never falling asleep and that I stain my pillowcase by sleeping on it with a wet head
on my body.
And you'll never have nothing on me. Because anything grit or grat of smak that you think you have, you
should know by now, you never know anything but what you can figure out though honesty, friendship,
and you definitely need to know that
(I'm wasted, and that
I'm not getting fucked up because I'm scene
You're scene because you're just hat fucked up.)
Your talk isn't goin to change that fact that
( [I know myself] )
my pillocase is discolored.
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[29 Dec 2005|12:09am] |
Man.
what is there to say?
my cat is a rat
tat tat tat
tat.
you remind me
of
a dying plant
pretty impressive.
Huh?
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[23 Dec 2005|10:46pm] |
I don't know how much more serious I can be.
Don't fuck me over,
unless of course you want to.
I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
How much more of myself can I not take. How many more times is my throat going to swell up. tonight, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life? Constrict me, and my throat for the rest of my life. Give me some bubbled frothy. There are creatures, emotionally lacking. They'll burn me up, make me cut out my own heart with my two bare hands and my fast growing fingernails. I am failing i am flailing in this chair. I'm going to pull out my hair.
I'm going to put this to rest. I'm going to be the one who ignores and who no one will ignore. I'll be the one to hold on to things because I can afford to. All I can afford is the let let let let it go. And the okays and the I-know how that-goes. I am open ended with those 9 stolen quarters I would give to just about anyone who would save me from this feeling in my throat.
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[23 Dec 2005|11:53am] |
Ouch. That one hurt.
Nothing's more belittling that Ms Rauch saying she doesn't care about our emotional resposes to the Humanities, and that the intellectual is all she would like to see as a professional teacher.
Well, I'm a professional Go Fuck Yourself.
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[22 Dec 2005|09:08pm] |
So my sister is back, and that Rules.
School tommorow. F.T.S.
I have 5 (now 4) day break from swimming. I plan on getting wasted at least 75% of the time. I have no plans.
P.s.
BJ, you should know that when you gave me that note yesterday, I was so ripped I tore off the wrong piece, and when retriving it from my purse yesterday evening I realized all that was left was:
ness
?
and alot of empty space to the right and the bottom.
I'm sure you know how that goes.
And P.S.S.
Everyone could use a piece of this.
I wish I could amplify it.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
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